Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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