my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
