someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
