God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
