Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize