I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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