i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
