I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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