remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
