My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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