I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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