oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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