Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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