if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
