Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
