Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
