I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
