Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
