Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
