my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
