when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
