Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
