I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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