I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I will die if light touches me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
