remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
