I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize