Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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