I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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