Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
