FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
that is very illegal...i love you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
