my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
