my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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