I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need to stop coming to work sober
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
