Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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