Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
