After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
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