My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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