just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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