I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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