Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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