Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize