Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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