If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
