4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize