matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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