He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
