Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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