Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
high people should be assigned attendants
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
