Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
