i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
