Plan B is the new Plan A
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
