My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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