tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
