dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
