Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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