just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
